Disappointed

I should start off this post by saying that I have a very extensive and strong support system. I have a great family, a wonderful group of friends and some neat, casual acquaintances. All and all, my life could be much, much worse.

All that being said, it's very hard when someone you trust lets you down. If someone you know--who means nothing more than a rat's ass to you--lets you down, hurts your feelings, breaks a promise, etc., you can just let it slide. The event will barely make a blip on your register, and life continues on.

The story changes when the person who lets you down, hurts your feelings, breaks a promise, etc., is someone in your inner circle. I take great pride in guarding my heart, keeping my defences in check, and making people go through a battery of tests (all conducted within my own psyche) before I allow them into this guarded area. I'm sure everyone conducts a similar assessment on a new potential candidate before allowing them into this precious space.

Someone, who I have allowed into this very treasured place near my heart, has hurt me. Again, had I not given a rat’s ass about this person; there would be no blog post to speak of.
My feelings have been crushed, my faith has been slaughtered and my heart now contains a deep hole.
It hurts so badly, it stings.
There has been no apology...no indication of any wrong that has been done...no sorrow on their part.

It's at this point when you start to wonder about who you are. How could my perception be so off, that I've allowed someone into this cherished area, only to have been so hurt by them in the end?
Was it me?
Was it them?
Who knows.
I hope I get the answer to this question--although I'm not terribly sure I will. At the very least, I need to ease these inner, nagging, criticising voices outlining how stupid I've been to be calmed, assured and settled.

I've learned that life is full of valuable lessons. I must learn how to pick up the pieces and learn how to forgive. I must trust that ultimately, this person did not mean to hurt me. I must trust that--because if I don't, then I honestly have no idea who I am anymore.

So, if you know me personally...I'd rather never speak this aloud. The person who did this (knows who they are) can approach me and we can try to work it out. Otherwise, I wish to leave the comments regarding this blog posting, on this blog posting.