Cancer Has Hit Our Family

It's with a very heavy heart that I must report that my Avo (grandma) has been diagnosed with brain cancer.

Approximately ten days ago, my family members noticed that she had some problems with her speech. She apparently couldn't string words together and wasn't making any sense when she did manage to get words out. Her doctor ordered an MRI to be performed on her right away. During the procedure, my mom overheard the technician state something to the effect that they 'found something'. This was on October 11th, 2006.

Consumed with worry, my mom revealed these revelations to various other family members and friends. While we were all hopeful, we pretty much knew this could only mean one thing. A brain tumour was confirmed in the late afternoon of October 13th, 2006. Our intuition proved correct, and now we're playing the waiting game. Waiting for doctors, specialists, hospitals and medical opinions on the next course of action.

I'm overburdened with feelings of anguish, despair, grief and sorrow. Work keeps my mind occupied; school keeps my energy focused--but my feelings always return.

So, I mourn.
I mourn for me.
I mourn for my family.
I mourn for her friends.
I mourn for the world...possibly losing the strongest woman I know. Her knowledge, her strength and her kind nature are just some of the skills I long to continue learning from her.

Please think of my Avo in your prayers, your meditations, your thoughts, or whatever type of higher power your subscribe to. My Avo, my family and I certainly do need them.

No...I'm not from Nova Scotia

My husband and I occasionally rent a car to get around; living in the large metropolis that we live in, it's very expensive and slightly illogical to own a vehicle. Nonetheless, it's Thanksgiving weekend, so we rented a car to travel to my family's home a few cities away.
Renting a car has a lot of inherent issues. You basically have a set of vehicles to choose from, and you drive away with it subject to a whole bunch of rules. We occasionally get vehicles registered from other provinces, and even from the United States! Today we got our Nova Scotia plated SUV on the road, and off we went! Niiiiice!
On our way home from our Thanksgiving lunch (we celebrate on Sunday, not Monday), we saw an adjacent vehicle trying to keep up with our own. Driving this monstrous SUV, we got a little nervous, but continued to drive along. As they pulled up further, my husband noticed that they're from Nova Scotia.

Husband: "Oh no. I think they think we're from Nova Scotia!!"
Me: "What are you talking about!?"
H: "Our licence plate! I think they think we're from Nova Scotia! Crap! They're rolling down their window! I think they're trying to get our attention!"
M: "What the frigg! We're doing 120 down the highway...I know Nova Scotians are friendly..but common!"
H: "Oh, they're only waving. Common! Wave back!"

I threw on my Nova Scotian charm (I'm not from there, never been there, etc.), I sent them a friendly wave back. That only got them going, and they waved even more frantically. I decided enough was enough at this point and decided to slow down and let them go on their merry way.
So my dear readers, please don't assume when you see a vehicle on the road that that car belongs to the driver. You may, just may, be witnessing a rental car driver--who has had very limited exposure to other provinces, let alone the United States! Remind me to write about my New York licence plate experience!

Disappointed

I should start off this post by saying that I have a very extensive and strong support system. I have a great family, a wonderful group of friends and some neat, casual acquaintances. All and all, my life could be much, much worse.

All that being said, it's very hard when someone you trust lets you down. If someone you know--who means nothing more than a rat's ass to you--lets you down, hurts your feelings, breaks a promise, etc., you can just let it slide. The event will barely make a blip on your register, and life continues on.

The story changes when the person who lets you down, hurts your feelings, breaks a promise, etc., is someone in your inner circle. I take great pride in guarding my heart, keeping my defences in check, and making people go through a battery of tests (all conducted within my own psyche) before I allow them into this guarded area. I'm sure everyone conducts a similar assessment on a new potential candidate before allowing them into this precious space.

Someone, who I have allowed into this very treasured place near my heart, has hurt me. Again, had I not given a rat’s ass about this person; there would be no blog post to speak of.
My feelings have been crushed, my faith has been slaughtered and my heart now contains a deep hole.
It hurts so badly, it stings.
There has been no apology...no indication of any wrong that has been done...no sorrow on their part.

It's at this point when you start to wonder about who you are. How could my perception be so off, that I've allowed someone into this cherished area, only to have been so hurt by them in the end?
Was it me?
Was it them?
Who knows.
I hope I get the answer to this question--although I'm not terribly sure I will. At the very least, I need to ease these inner, nagging, criticising voices outlining how stupid I've been to be calmed, assured and settled.

I've learned that life is full of valuable lessons. I must learn how to pick up the pieces and learn how to forgive. I must trust that ultimately, this person did not mean to hurt me. I must trust that--because if I don't, then I honestly have no idea who I am anymore.

So, if you know me personally...I'd rather never speak this aloud. The person who did this (knows who they are) can approach me and we can try to work it out. Otherwise, I wish to leave the comments regarding this blog posting, on this blog posting.